Your Favorite Rankings Suck

I don't have the time or verbal skills to adequately explain to you, our three readers, how the YFTS Rankings work. Let's just say it involves numbers, an Excel spreadsheet, and most likely some complex functions incorrectly copied over from other cells, shattering whatever shred of legitimacy this undertaking might have once had. Without further ado:

1. West Virginia (17.810)
2. Missouri (16.208)
3. Ohio State (16.177)
4. Hawaii (15.648)
5. Kansas (15.611)
6. LSU (15.604)
7. Oklahoma (15.339)
8. Virginia Tech (14.042)
9. Florida (13.779)
10. USC (13.743)
    
    Just missing the cut: Arizona State (13.558), Boston College (13.137), Georgia (13.127)

Is everyone OK with this? SEC fans? Can you handle the top six spots not being occupied by SEC teams? Good.

I should point out that these rankings are completely objective, and thoroughly stupid. Nothing is based on bias (well, except for my exclusion of Mountain West teams... I'll be damned if I include that rogue conference), and there is no consideration for a school's legacy, whether you lose early or late in the season, or whether you embarrassed your conference so thoroughly last year (hint: the team's name rhymes with, uh, "suck-eyes") that you shouldn't be allowed to even sniff #1 for at least another ten years. In case you're curious, here's the formula:

(10 points for a win or -10 points for a loss) + (10 x opponent's winning percentage) + (margin of victory or defeat/8) + (road win bonus = margin of victory/8)

I'm still working on it, but for now these rankings are non-binding, meaning they have absolutely no bearing on any bowl-game selections. But a note to Athletic Directors and head coaches across NCAA Division I-A football: stop scheduling I-AA teams. Not only can they pull off the occasional colossal upset, but they sink your ratings quicker than hiring Katie Couric.

I think the only real surprises in the rankings are the respective positions of Hawaii and Georgia. Hawaii has been getting hammered in the real mainstream rankings all season for playing such a weak schedule. Aside from Boise State, they've played seven teams with losing records, two I-AA teams, an indoor-league football team (the Pomona Cool Riders), and I think a few Honolulu high school junior varsity teams. Who says Hawaii won't play anyone?

Georgia, on the other hand, has been a media darling ever since they thoroughly psyched out Urban Meyer by not pissing themselves in his presence beat Florida. And, really, I can't blame the media. That was awesome. It was like that scene in 300 when Leonidas pretends to bow to Xerxes, then that dude comes from out of nowhere, leaps off Leonidas's back, and skewers the crap out of Xerxes' PR guy. Shit, that was awesome!

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, Georgia. Yeah, they've looked really good the second half of the season, but they still played a I-AA team and got their asses handed to them by the waiting-to-lose-at-any-minute Vols and the now completely mediocre Gamecocks. They can no more expunge that from their record than can Oregon go back in time and create an adamantium ACL for Dennis Dixon... or at least not recruit the two worst backup QBs in the history of major-conference college football. Ever.

Anyway, there's still a lot of football left to be played. Who knows, SEC fans, there might be a scenario in which a Hawaii loss, coupled with a West Virginia loss, an Oklahoma win, and the instantaneous elimination of the football programs at Ohio State, Kansas, Virginia Tech, and USC, could lead to the SEC taking over the top of the rankings, as predicted in Revelations... somewhere in the second chapter, I think.