Introducing the First Two-Loss National Champion!

7:09: Band pulled off of Bourbon Street performs worst version of National Anthem ever.

7:14: Announcers talk over LSU's entrance. Good job.

7:15: Les Miles incoherent for pre-game interview. Determines that each team has 11 players.

7:21: Coin toss, LSU wins. The rout begins.

7:23: Kickoff. Ohio State does not return it for a touchdown, ensuring the final score will be 7 points lower than last year's championship game.

7:24: Did they rake the turf grass in the Superdome? It looks nice.

7:25: Is it just me, or does the Ohio State "Best Damn Band in the Land" remind anyone else of the movie Taps?


7:26: Buckeyes score on 65-yard rushing touchdown. SEC defensive speed is suffocating.

7:33: 3rd down, LSU fumbles the snap. Forced to punt from its own end zone. SEC! SEC!

7:37: Ohio State completes long-ass pass immediately following the punt. The SEC speed is just too much for the Buckeyes.

7:40: 10–0, Ohio State.

7:43: First Fox human-interest story of the evening. Followed immediately by first crass promotional tie-in (Jumper replay) of the evening.

7:48: And for the 32nd consecutive bowl game, holding is now legal.

7:51: Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow.

7:52: Matt Flynn is still not Tim Tebow.

7:55: Allstate commercial with Drew from Office Space. Oh! Oh! Oh!

7:56: SEC speed unstoppable. Field Goal good.

7:58: More LSU cheerleaders. Less everything else.


8:03: Fox commentator #2 uses the word "plaudits." And he uses it correctly. What the hell, Fox? Hiring nerds now?

8:05: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!


8:11: 10–10. The match-up of two tough defensive squads has yet to materialize.

8:15: Beanie Wells just embarrassed Chevis Jackson. Or is it Chivas? Regardless, the SEC is just too powerful.

8:19: Bo Pelini is homeless, apparently. Wait, he dressed himself?

8:21: Blocked FG. Momentum swinging to the bayou.

8:26: Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow.

8:30: Touchdown, LSU. Might as well pack up now, Bucks.

8:36: Interception by Chivas Regal. Thanks for playing, Ohio State. I bet the airport restaurants are still open, if you want to grab some food before your flight home.

8:38: 83rd player of bowl season stretches out to get a touchdown but fumbles instead. Lucky for LSU, they retain possession.

8:42: LSU touchdown. Seriously, Bucks, you might want to hit the road early. The area around the Superdome kinda sucks. I wouldn't even want to be there in broad daylight.

8:47: You know what I miss? Gargantuan facemasks, half-shirts, and neck rolls. Sure, a "heavy" guy weighed around 220 back then, but at least he looked scary.

8:52: Halftime. Start the bus!


8:57: Ohio State's "Best Damn Band in the Land" performing fight songs of the service academies, all of which might be putting up more of a fight against LSU right now than the Buckeyes are.

9:14: Holy crap. JaMarcus Russell is like a foot taller than Troy Smith. Maybe it's from sitting on the bench all year.

9:19 Trinity wins the $100,000 award for Pontiac Game Changing Moment of the Year, which I'm pretty sure exceeds Trinity's entire athletic budget. App State was robbed.

9:27: LSU mercifully killing the clock with short running plays. Fox will counteract with TV timeouts and fake injuries to members of the chain gang.

9:33: Ohio State actually stops LSU on third down. Celebrates by roughing the kicker on subsequent punt. LSU maintains possession.

9:36: Sideline reporter reveals that Devin Hester is related to Terry Bradshaw. Who isn't in the state of Louisiana?

9:37: Ohio State making sure everyone who bet on the spread wins handily. LSU touchdown. Game now approaching Sugar Bowl beatdown levels.

9:40: Would rather be watching Kate Walsh Cadillac commercials on a loop right now.


9:46: Budweiser is trying to convince me that their beer tastes good. They'd have better luck trying to convince me that Ohio State deserved to play in this game.

9:52: HOLD EVERYTHING! Ohio State interception. Here it comes, baby! The #2 announcer just said Ohio State has to "get six" here, so you KNOW they're going to get it.

9:54: Ohio State touchdo... hey, another Drew from Office Space commercial! I love that guy.

9:59: For the last time, Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow. This is like using a fork to eat ice cream.

10:00: 3rd quarter over. 90% of the country changes the channel to watch Anthony Bourdain.

10:11: Huh... what? They're still playing? Oh, OK. Um, Ohio State... 4th and 7... aaaaaaannnnnnd they call a timeout.

10:15: Bad play... getting worse... getting worse! Give the MVP award to Boeckman's lack of depth perception. LSU players are closer than they appear.

10:19: OK, unless he gets dumped tonight, which isn't out of the question, he's still doing well for himself.

10:26: Whoa... only 7:00 to go? I think the clock keeper is going a little light on the controls tonight. Someone buy that man a Hurricane.

10:29: Boeckman fumbles again. Still having a better night than Troy Smith did last year at this time.

10:31: Boeckman throws an interception. No, this isn't a repeat.

10:35: Jim Tressel, meet Marv Levy.


10:39: Goodnight, Bucks.

10:46: Ohio State successfully keeps box score from obviously indicating that this was a blowout. Box score now only strongly suggests that this was a blowout.

10:49: First Katrina reference of the night. I'm proud of you Fox. You held it together for three and a half hours.

10:50: Bo Pelini gets a Gatorade bath. Enjoy it, Bo. It might be a while until your next one.

10:51: Fox now beating first Katrina reference of the night to death, despite the fact that Baton Rouge is, was, and always will be an hour away from New Orleans. On that note, goodnight! Try not to suck all the way back to Columbus, Buckeyes.