Your Favorite Team Sucks

Week 1 Random Thoughts (running thread)

2011-09-02T21:07:00.000-05:00

Georgia Tech passing for 365 yardWHAAAAAAAAAA?!?
Not to put too much stock in low-scoring games against FCS opponents, but Utah and Michigan St. are making me pull my collar nervously.
Not to put too much stock in games against UNLV, but Wisconsin run game + accurate, mobile QB = scary.
Kentucky proved to be a more than adequate replacement for South Carolina in the now annual opening night SEC shitfest.
I'm thinking the Mountain West teams that have been savaged by TCU over the last three seasons are going to exact painful revenge with rusty tools.

Are You a Wizard? Dr. Norris and I Predict the Future.

2011-09-02T09:24:00.002-05:00

Whilst looking back upon (and mocking) past years' predictions in SI.com's "Crystal Ball Predictions," I decided I should offer up my own predictions for comparison. I recruited my colleague, Dr. Norris Camacho, to provide his own predictions as well.

BCS Title Game
Norris: Alabama-Wisconsin. Biel with it. Alabama wins. Again.
Jason: Alabama-Stanford. Saban wins #3 for the Lollipop Guild.

Rose Bowl
Norris: Oregon-Nebraska
Jason: Oregon-Wisconsin

Fiesta Bowl
Norris: Oklahoma-VT
Jason: Oklahoma-Notre Dame

Orange Bowl
Norris: Florida St.-WVU
Jason: Florida St.-WVU

Sugar Bowl
Norris: LSU-Oklahoma St.
Jason: Texas A&M-Michigan St.

Surprise Team
Norris: Houston
Jason: Arizona St.

Flop Team
Norris: South Carolina. Last year was mostly smoke and mirrors.
Jason: Nebraska. If Martinez isn't 100%, the team is entirely mortal.

BCS Buster
Norris: None. Houston will not be able to obtain a high enough ranking.
Jason: None.

Heisman Winner
Norris: Case Keenum. If he stays healthy, his garish numbers will overshadow non-AQ bias if no one else stands out, especially since Russell Wilson’s and A.J. McCarron’s passing totals combined will still only account for about 70% of Keenum’s.
Jason: Andrew Luck. Amish beard, bro. Amish beard.

First Player out of Heisman Race
Norris: T-Mart, because that sideline is volatile. And because B1G defenses had an entire off-season to get used to his schtick, which was sort of unexpected last year.
Jason: Marcus Lattimore, because South Carolina won't be in the national title hunt, and if you're not in the national title hunt, you're invisible to Heisman voters.

Next Household Name
Norris: Coryell Judie. A&M’s (hopefully) resurgent defense will get some attention, and their first shut-down corner in a decade is also a volatile return man. [/blatant homer pick]
Jason: Darron Thomas. Overshadowed by Lamichael James, but I think fear of James is what will lead to more prolific passing/rushing from Thomas.

Coach on the Hottest Seat
Norris: Neuheisel. The QB injuries his team has endured seem to be COTG telling him that that whole 2000 Washington team thing did not go unnoticed. UCLA needs to do better in both productivity and character if they want to take advantage of the Kiffin Era at USC.
Jason: Neuheisel. The monopoly on sweatervests is officially over.

Bold Prediction
Norris: Arkansas will have a losing season. The loss of their best skill players will cause a bumpy start to the season, and the team’s faith in Petrino will gradually unravel over the course of the year because he is a sentient droid with no discernable human emotion.
Jason: Conference Realignment Armageddon will happen within three weeks of the conclusion of bowl season.

Baseless Predictions for 2011

2011-08-25T21:32:00.001-05:00

I'm going to use a slightly less structured format this year. I'll start at the top, but I'm going to let my mind wander. And here... we... GO.

Oklahoma will not go undefeated and will not play in the title game.
Either Alabama or LSU will win the SEC. I'm torn between a coach with proven results and a coach for whom time and logic are expendable notions.
I think Oregon loses to LSU, Stanford, and one other Pac-12 opponent.
Boise State will not make a BCS bowl.
I want to say that Florida State is vastly overrated, but the ACC is the ACC.
Stanford tops 10 wins and Luck wins the Heisman easily.
A&M: 10 wins and a bowl loss.
Nebraska and Wisconsin in the inaugural Big Ten Championship. A team wearing red and white will win.
TCU will go 9-3, embarrass a better team in its bowl game.
Notre Dame will get a BCS bowl and finish in the Top 10... because it's been too long since we could overrate Notre Dame and watch them get pummeled in a bowl game.
Ohio St. will lose to Michigan, a fate worse than NCAA sanctions.
Georgia will beat Boise State but lose a chunk of SEC games.
Auburn will finish unranked.

Conference champs:

ACC - Florida St.
Big East - West Virginia
Big Ten - Wisconsin
Big 12 - Oklahoma
C-USA - UCF
MAC - meh... Toledo?
MWC - Boise St.
Pac 12 - Stanford
SEC - Alabama
Sun Belt - Troy? Why not.
WAC - Hawaii

Random prediction for 2011: Paterno will not finish the season. It's as safe a guess as any.

Revisiting 2010's Baseless Predictions

2011-08-25T20:52:00.001-05:00

Graded as follows:

A - on the money
B - within one win
C - within two wins
D - within three wins
F - not even close

Alabama 10-2 (B)
Ohio State 11-1* (A... but then there was that whole vacating thing)
Boise State 10-2* (B)
Oregon 9-3 (D)
Texas 9-3 (F... and that F goes all around)
Florida 11-1* (F- ?)
TCU 10-2 (C)
Iowa 10-2 (D)
Nebraska 11-1 (B)
Wisconsin 9-3 (C)
Georgia Tech 7-5 (B, raised to B+ for predicting the decline)
USC 8-5 (A)
Penn State 8-4 (B)
Virginia Tech 10-2* (A)
Miami 7-5 (A)
Oklahoma 12-0* (C)
Oregon State 4-8 (B, raised to B+ for predicting the decline)
Cincinnati 6-6 (C, raised to a C+ for predicting the decline)
North Carolina 9-3 (C)
Arkansas 11-1 (B)
LSU 8-4 (C)
Utah 10-2* (A)
Florida State 8-4 (B)
West Virginia 7-5 (C, raised to a C+ for predicting Bill Stewart's end-of-season "retirement")
Georgia 9-3 (D, but I'mma give myself an F)

Conference champs predicted: 4/6
Average grade: B-

Baseless predictions for 2010

2010-08-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

Based on the nationalchamps.net preseason Top 25, which is as valid as any other preseason prediction at this point.

Alabama 10-2 (I think Florida and Arky take down the defending champs)
Ohio State 11-1*
Boise State 10-2* (will lose to Va Tech in Maryland)
Oregon 9-3
Texas 9-3
Florida 11-1* (because if Texas can't be the college football villain, Florida will be)
TCU 10-2 (will lose to Oregon State and Utah; Utah takes MWC)
Iowa 10-2
Nebraska 11-1 (slight uptick on offense, slight downtick on defense)
Wisconsin 9-3
Georgia Tech 7-5 (for some reason, I just see Ga Tech hitting the wall this season)
USC 8-5 (bummer... no bowl, either)
Penn State 8-4 (I think JoePa—or his organs—give up after 2010)
Virginia Tech 10-2* (typical strong, Beamerific season)
Miami 7-5 (tough schedule, thin-ankled QB)
Oklahoma 12-0* (dark horse alert; everyone's underestimating "the 'stache")
Oregon State 4-8 (not sure why I picked the Beav to collapse this year... I think beating TCU is their last glimmer of hope)
Cincinnati 6-6 (transition... will be back to 9 wins by 2011, following the established Kelly-to-Jones pattern)
North Carolina 9-3 (it took Butch Davis six seasons to build Miami into a contender)
Arkansas 11-1 (dark horse alert; also, crippled-QB-who-looks-like-Ivan-Drago alert)
LSU 8-4 (Miles won't be fired, but he'll wish he was)
Utah 10-2* (leaves the MWC with momentum)
Florida State 8-4 (trending upward)
West Virginia 7-5 (early loss to Marshall paves way for Bill Stewart's end-of-season "retirement")
Georgia 9-3

* Conference champion

Not on list: Pittsburgh, who I'm picking to win the Big East

Bonus predictions:

Illinois 1-11
Texas A&M 6-6

Feeling pessimistic this year.

I can has video clips?

2010-07-18T13:08:00.002-05:00

This is a test.

Notes on Opening Saturday

2009-09-06T09:26:00.002-05:00

The ACC is 0–2 vs. the CAA. This is bad.
The Big Ten pulled three games out of its asses it had no business winning. This is bad.
Oklahoma looked bad even before Bradford was injured. This is bad.
Michigan-Notre Dame might be a more interesting game to watch than USC-Ohio St. This is bad.
Sark has lit a fire under Washington. This is bad... for Pete Carroll and Chip Kelly.

Teams that should feel good right now include:

Syracuse
Washington
BYU
Missouri
Anyone playing Oklahoma this season

7-3

2009-09-03T21:07:00.005-05:00

Can we just ban South Carolina from Thursday night games? Forever?

RESUME THUNDERDOME!

2009-09-03T18:54:00.005-05:00

THE DRY SEASON IS OVER! BRING FORTH THE ORGY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL GLADIATORY FANFARE... or something.

Week 1 is already underway, with South Carolina and NC State clawing at each other in a battle of who could score less. Watching SEC-ACC intersectionals is like watching a baseball game. And nobody wants to see that.

Anyway, time to throw up some predictions for the year to see how far off the mark I am by December.

ACC: Who knows? Florida State, Miami, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech... maybe a Bowden-less Clemson? I expect the ACC to bring the confusing pain much as it did last year. Lots of 7-, 8-, and 9-win teams. I'll be shocked if anyone hits double-digits by the championship game.

Big East: Again, more of the same. USF will beat someone they shouldn't, then lose to Wofford or something. I expect Syracuse to show some improvement, maybe up to 5 wins. I expect the Kragthorpe era at Louisville to end. Too many obstacles to overcome (thanks, Petrino). West Virginia and Rutgers duke it out for the title on 12/5.

Big 12: See 2008, replace Texas Tech with Oklahoma State. I have think Texas goes the distance this year, with Kansas taking the north. Texas goes on to the MNC against Florida.

Big Ten: I think Ohio State will be better than it should be, Penn State worse than it should be, and Michigan State within spitting distance of the title. I'm starting to think Ohio State has lowered expectations enough that it could actually take USC down on 9/12. Ann Arbor may or may not burn to the ground.

Pac-10: This is the year USC is dethroned. Not sure who's going to do it. Cal... ~~Oregon...~~ Jim Harbaugh's jaw. Remember when Pete Carroll said Mark "Dirty" Sanchez shouldn't leave early for the NFL? It's because Carroll knows he doesn't have a QB without him.

SEC: Ole Miss is overrated, Arkansas is underrated, and Florida might manage to lose one game, only to regain the #1 spot the following week after beating, say, FIU.

Non-AQ: Here's your three-horse race: Boise State, BYU, and TCU. I'm not confident about BYU's chances, but they do get Utah and TCU at home. Boise State will determine its fate later tonight. I'm pulling for TCU. Gary Patterson's been doing an amazing job in Fort Worth, and it's about time the Frogs got some national hype.

Week 14 Provides Zero Clarity

2008-11-30T00:21:00.002-06:00

I've been watching football and eating turkey all week. I'm exhausted. Here go the rankings.

Florida
USC
Boise State
Alabama
Texas
Ball State
Oklahoma
Utah
Penn State
Texas Tech

If you compare this to the AP Poll (which was my original goal), you'll see that other than some slight order differences, the only glaring anomalies are Ball State's presence and Boise State's position. Clearly, there needs to be some sort of penalty assessed for playing in the weakest four conferences.

The other difference is that the YFTS rankings continue to penalize or reward teams (respectively) throughout the year based on whether their SOS increases or decreases. Boise State beats one of the best teams on its schedule by 51, and they still go down in the rankings. OU steamrolls everyone, but Washington's continued... uh... suck brings down OU's ranking.

Also, the SEC finally surpassed the Big 12 in the conference rankings for the first time in forever. I'm going to blame the Big 12 North for this.

Washington Sucks So Hard, It Actually Brings Other Teams Down

2008-11-23T00:00:00.003-06:00

So Oklahoma finally exposed Tech for the overrated pirate ship of misfits it was. Having only one loss to a fantastic Texas team, you would think Oklahoma would rocket into the Top 5. But they have Washington on the schedule, which is a little like having a giant sinkhole in the middle of the highway. Because Washington is STILL winless, OU's SOS lags.

Top 25 Rankings

Florida (10-1)
Boise State (11-0)
USC (9-1)
Alabama (11-0)
Texas (10-1)
Ball State (11-0)
Utah (12-0)
Oklahoma (10-1)
Penn State (11-1)
Texas Tech (10-1)
Missouri (9-2)
Ohio State (10-2)
TCU (10-2)
BYU (10-2)
Georgia (9-2)
Oklahoma State (9-2)
Iowa (8-4)
Tulsa (9-2)
Cincinnati (9-2)
Michigan State (9-3)
Boston College (8-3)
Florida State (8-3)
Western Michigan (9-2)
Oregon State (8-3)
Georgia Tech (8-3)

Missing the cut: West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Northwestern, Mississippi, Oregon

Text goes here.

This Week's Slate Sucked

2008-11-15T23:52:00.003-06:00

I fell asleep during the Oregon State-Cal game. Twice. And it was actually a good game. I guess for all the fantastic weeks we had last year and most of this year, we were due for a dud.

The rankings stayed relatively stable this week. As of right now, I haven't factored in the UCLA-Washington score (still in the 4th quarter), but it literally cannot affect the rankings.

Top 25 Rankings

Florida (+1) -- 36.5 average margin of victory in their 9 wins. Yikes.
Boise State (-1) -- 26.8 average margin of victory in 10 wins.
USC (nc) -- the Trojans don't even have to play the first half anymore.
Texas (+1) -- waiting for someone to screw up.
Alabama (-1) -- winning unimpressively, but winning.
Texas Tech (+1) -- two I-AA opponents killing them. Lay off the cupcakes, guys.
Ball State (-1) -- #119 SOS. See Tulsa.
Utah (nc) -- hanging in there for a BCS bid.
Penn State (nc)
Oklahoma (nc) -- backloaded schedule only thing keeping them down.
BYU (nc) -- jeez, these rankings aren't changing much.
Missouri (nc)
Ohio State (nc)
TCU (nc)
Georgia (+3) -- finally, some movement!
Michigan State (+1)
Oklahoma State (+2)
Pittsburgh (+2)
Tulsa (-4)
North Carolina (-4)
Cincinnati (+1)
Western Michigan (+2)
Boston College (NR)
Central Michigan (+1)
Air Force (-4)

Missing the cut: Oregon State, Nebraska, Oregon, Georgia Tech, Connecticut

Text here.

Penn State Saves the Country from Another Championship Game That Sucks

2008-11-08T23:15:00.003-06:00

First, Penn State beat Ohio State, ensuring the Buckeyes would not return to the championship game for the third consecutive year. Then, the Nittany Lions graciously lost by one point on a last-second field goal to spare the nation from witnessing another Big Ten beatdown in the championship game. JoePa fell on a grenade for all of us. He is a hero.

Anyway, onto the 99% complete rankings (UNLV and New Mexico are still playing, but they have practically no impact on the rankings).

Top 25 Rankings

Boise State (9.004) nc
Florida (8.744) nc
USC (8.112) +2
Alabama (8.099) -1
Texas (7.741) +1
Ball State (7.637) +1
Texas Tech (7.621) +1
Utah (7.176) +1
Penn State (6.839) -5
Oklahoma (6.830) nc
BYU (6.445) +1
Missouri (6.302) +2
Ohio State (6.028) +3
TCU (5.677) -3
Tulsa (5.414) nc
North Carolina (5.346) +3
Michigan State (5.255) nc
Georgia (5.218) nc
Oklahoma State (5.014) -6
Pittsburgh (4.591) +7
Air Force (4.354) +5
Cincinnati (4.248) +2
Florida State (4.109) NR
Western Michigan (3.894) NR
Central Michigan (3.623) +5

Missing the Cut: South Carolina, Georgia Tech, California, West Virginia, Minnesota

Text goes here. Some more goes here. Blah blah blah.

No Crab Bisque for You!

2008-11-02T01:26:00.005-05:00

Texas Tech pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the year tonight. And they go absolutely nowhere in the rankings as a result. No soup for Lubbock!

Boise State 8-0 (9.263) +3 -- a 49-0 shutout on the road propels the Smurfs to #1; SOS is still #111
Florida 8-1 (8.790) +1 -- a failed 4th-down conversion away from #1
Alabama 9-0 (8.468) +3 -- worst SOS in the SEC. FAIL awaits?
Penn State 9-0 (8.064) +1 -- speaking of terrible SOS...
USC 7-1 (7.834) -3 -- how bad is Washington? USC beats them 56-0 and drops three spots. The Trojans have allowed opponents scores of 0, 0, 0, 3, 7, 10, 10, and the 27-point debacle at Corvallis. The Pac-10 is really, really bad.
Texas 8-1 (7.633) -5 -- Colt left one too many seconds on the clock.
Ball State 8-0 (7.506) nc -- don't look now, but another MAC team is ranked.
Texas Tech 9-0 (7.341) nc -- if they had just scheduled North Texas instead of UMass, they'd easily be in the Top 5.
Utah 9-0 (7.085) nc -- Utah's playing like BYU. It's not helping their cause.
Oklahoma 8-1 (6.778) +1 -- defense killing OU's chances.
TCU 9-1 (6.658) +1
BYU 8-1 (6.568) +1
Oklahoma State 8-1 (6.098) +2
Missouri 7-2 (5.914) +2
Tulsa 7-1 (5.373) -5
Ohio State 7-2 (5.339) +2
Michigan State 8-2 (5.083) +2
Georgia 7-2 (5.026) -4
North Carolina 6-2 (4.590) +2
Georgia Tech 7-2 (4.562) +2
Minnesota 7-2 (4.534) -4
California 6-2 (4.425) +2
West Virginia 6-2 (4.214) NR
Cincinnati 6-2 (3.907) NR
Northwestern 7-2 (3.900) NR

Missing the cut: Air Force, Maryland, Pittsburgh, Kansas, Central Michigan

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These Rankings Do Not Suck

2008-10-26T20:14:00.004-05:00

All right... NOW we're talking. I replaced the old X300 hamster in my desktop with a brand new X400 model, and it's made all the difference. It turns out the old rankings were placing far too much emphasis on blowout wins, resulting in Mizzou actually ranking higher than Texas, who had a significantly better SOS and, incidentally, beat the hell out of Mizzou two weeks ago. So what I did was to assign margin of victory points with a cap:

MOV
16+ (5 points)
9-16 (3.34 points)
1-8 (1.67 points)

The same ranges apply in the negative for losses. The rest of the formula stays the same.

The end result is much more reasonable.

Top 25 Rankings

Texas 8-0 (9.062) -- makes sense.
USC 6-1 (8.613) -- controversial, but they've blown out all but two opponents.
Florida 6-1 (8.163) -- save for the Ole Miss game, an impressive resume.
Boise State 7-0 (7.984) -- odd that they're ranked so highly, but they've allowed 7 points or less against five opponents.
Penn State 9-0 (7.958) -- weak SOS keeps them down. Only 2 wins over winning opponents.
Alabama 8-0 (7.780) -- see #5. Same story.
Ball State 8-0 (7.598) -- house of cards. Terrible SOS.
Texas Tech 8-0 (7.286) -- see #5. Again.
Utah 8-0 (6.971) -- see #5. This is getting repetitive.
Tulsa 7-0 (6.945) -- lots of points, lots of wins, excruciatingly weak SOS (#120).
Oklahoma 7-1 (6.596) -- surprisingly low, but the defense has been giving up too many points in recent weeks.
TCU 7-1 (6.446)
BYU 7-1 (6.324)
Georgia 7-1 (6.320) -- the only reason UGA is sitting down here is because of that I-AA opponent in Week 1. And because they let them score 21 points.
Oklahoma State 7-1 (6.174)
Missouri 6-2 (6.125)
Minnesota 7-1 (5.560)
Ohio State 7-2 (5.400)
Michigan State 7-2 (5.070)
Florida State 6-1 (4.794)
North Carolina 6-2 (4.782)
Georgia Tech 6-2 (4.457)
Connecticut 6-2 (4.223)
California 5-2 (4.015)
Maryland 6-2 (3.752)

Missing the cut: USF, Iowa, Nebraska, Boston College, Oregon

The only team in the YFTS rankings that doesn't appear in the top 30 vote-getters in the AP poll? Georgia Tech. Can't really explain that one. Shutting out Duke? Running a badass, old-school offense?

You'll see in the 11-13 spots, OU ranks above TCU, whom it beat, and TCU ranks above BYU, whom it beat. All three teams have identical records, but head-to-head match-ups factor into the positioning. Other examples of this are Ohio State above Michigan State and North Carolina over Connecticut.

Hamster version X400 is a keeper.

The Rankings Are Officially Broken

2008-10-26T12:22:00.003-05:00

It only took nine weeks, but the rankings have finally rendered themselves utterly useless, not unlike a cheaply made boombox purchased from Wal-Mart in 2001. What?

There had been some glaring issues popping up within the rankings over the past few weeks (Georgia sitting above undefeated Alabama, Nebraska's presence, etc.), but the straw that broke the camel's back was Mizzou's placement above Texas this week. Really? I'm not sure how that's even mathematically possible. Texas has blown out all but two opponents, and those two were previously undefeated teams. Mizzou had two straight losses and a bevy of blowouts over weak-to-mediocre teams. And Mizzou gets the nod.

I'd been worried that the cubing of the "Quotient of Victory" figure was placing far too much emphasis on blowout wins. Mizzou proved that to be true. A 58-0 shutout of Colorado shouldn't supersede the fact that they were demolished by undefeated Texas, who has a significantly stronger SOS.

My mistake seems to have been thinking that a 77-0 victory is significantly more impressive than a 10-0 victory. But when teams like Kentucky take Alabama until the last minute on the road, then follow that up with a complete bed-shitting at Florida, it's clear that margin of victory is highly overrated.

I'll have to change out the hamster in my computer and reformulate the rankings. Until then, just for giggles, here's a selection of messed up rankings.

Florida
USC - so far so good. Sure, they're each one-loss teams, but they've proven themselves.
Missouri - and this is where everything falls apart.
Texas -see?
Tulsa - and here's where we see the blowout component.
Texas Tech - again, perfectly reasonable.
Georgia - OK... but where's Bama?
Penn State - weak SOS, so understandable.
Ohio State - losses to #2 and #8... reasonable.
Oklahoma - really?
BYU - wait, didn't they just get demolished by TCU?
Oklahoma State - beat #3 on the road and barely lost to #4?
TCU - destroyed #11 last week. Juh?
Boise State - understandable.
Alabama - I rest my case.

Waiting for Things to Work Themselves Out Sucks

2008-10-20T21:39:00.004-05:00

OK... so the experiment isn't going quite as well as expected. It was one thing when Mizzou only dropped three spots after losing to Oklahoma State last week. After all, Oklahoma State was undefeated. But this week, after getting dismantled by Texas, Mizzou actually rose in the rankings. Juh? I guess it pays to A) blow out weaker opponents, who get their act together much later in the season and B) only lose to undefeated teams.

I'm starting to lean toward a linear scale of ranking rather than exponential.

Top 25 Rankings

USC (24.685) nc
Texas (15.649) +1
Florida (14.769) -1
Missouri (12.998) +1
Tulsa (12.181) +5
Ohio State (11.469) NR
Oklahoma (11.416) -3
BYU (11.131) -1
Georgia (10.884) -1
Penn State (9.763) -4
Oklahoma State (9.374) +1
Boise State (8.403) +2
TCU (8.000) +12
Alabama (7.854) -5
Texas Tech (7.425) -4
Utah (7.076) +3
Ball State (6.845) -2
Georgia Tech (5.745) nc
Nebraska (5.515) -3
Kansas (5.185) nc
Kentucky (5.096) NR
Minnesota (5.085) NR
North Carolina (5.032) -10
Connecticut (4.961) -2
Michigan State (4.792) -4

Missing the Cut: Pitt, Iowa, USF, Boston College, Cincinnati
Explanation of Rankings

Rankings Controversy Sucks

2008-10-12T10:45:00.007-05:00

In a system as poorly thought-out and quickly thrown together as the YFTS rankings, controversy is bound to occur. Such as an undefeated Texas being sandwiched in between two sets of one-loss teams and Georgia ranking above an undefeated team that squashed it emphatically at Sanford Stadium.

GIS result for "controversy." Is this from Dancing with the Stars?

Top 25 Rankings

USC (24.608) nc -- the six-point loss to a decent 3-3 Oregon State team (3.336) hardly makes a dent in USC's stellar rating, which is propped up by four epic blowouts, including those over 6-1 Ohio State and 4-2 Oregon.
Florida (15.648) +9 -- crushing a previously undefeated LSU pretty much erases the damage done by a one-point loss to Ole Miss.
Texas (14.535) +1 -- you'd think Texas would have shot straight to #1 after the win over OU, but the fact remains that Texas has still played a mediocre schedule with the exception of Oklahoma. They also suffer from allowing 35 points, similar to Alabama's "big" win over Georgia.
Oklahoma (12.319) +1 -- sometimes when you lose, you win.
Missouri (11.941) -3 --by keeping the final score close, Mizzou prevents a more dramatic tumble.
Penn State (10.640) +7 -- finally, a big blowout on the road gets JoePa's squad some rankings respect.
BYU (10.555) -4 -- BYU has not played a single winning team yet. They're lucky they've blown out most of their opponents, otherwise they'd be relegated to the "Missing the Cut" section.
Georgia (10.219) -1 -- UGA's about to find out how good it actually is. Next three opponents have winning percentages of .833, .800, and .833.
Alabama (9.271) nc -- here comes the controversy. So Alabama, who is undefeated and beat #8 Georgia heads up, is ranked below Georgia. The science: Georgia has better-quality victories, despite that one loss. Their blowout of Central Michigan in Week 2 is key. Alabama is not helped by squeaker wins over Tulane and Kentucky.
Tulsa (9.191) -4 -- not only has Tulsa not played a winning team, it has the worst SOS in I-A. The blowouts are the only thing keeping Tulsa ranked.
Texas Tech (8.575) +1 -- speaking of weak SOS...
Oklahoma State (8.464) +3 -- beating #5 was good. Now they just have to beat #3 and #4.
North Carolina (7.610) +1 -- the ACC makes an appearance!
Boise State (7.560) -6 -- the SOS (#105) is beginning to weigh the Broncos down.
Ball State (7.151) +2 -- I'm just as surprised as you are.
Nebraska (6.966) nc -- how the hell does Nebraska lose three straight games and maintain its ranking? Its three wins were impressive, and it has the #1 SOS. That's how. I don't like it any more than you do.
California (6.830) -7 -- it seems like they've had four bye weeks already. You snooze, you lose.
Georgia Tech (6.661) nc -- if their three-point win over a I-AA team was their pants-crapping for the season, they're in great shape.
Utah (6.605) +1 -- weak SOS. Hey, wait a second... weak SOS... weaksauce... I think we have a theme here.
Kansas (6.472) -1 -- did anyone see Mangino in a track suit? It's pretty much the best thing ever. Oh, and Kansas needs to start showing up for the first half of its games.
Michigan State (6.097) +3 -- I think the win over Michigan is a lock this year.
Connecticut (5.782) NR -- well, we've seen pretty much every other conference so far. Why not the Big East?
Wake Forest (5.587) NR -- winning ugly, but winning.
Iowa (5.582) NR -- if you're going to lose three straight, make sure they're by a combined total of nine points. And to good teams.
TCU (5.222) NR -- Cougs up next.

Missing the Cut: Ohio State, Minnesota, Kentucky, USF, Cincinnati
Explanation of Rankings

So as the season progresses, we're starting to see a lot more stability in the rankings. This week's big winners were Florida and Penn State. Blowouts always help. The weirdness of having a glut of one-loss teams at the top of the rankings should work itself out by the end of the season, when there will probably be a glut of one-loss teams in general.

Your Strength of Schedule Still Sucks

2008-10-05T01:27:00.003-05:00

It turns out that winning isn't everything. In fact, a very large component of winning involves making sure your beaten adversaries aren't so demoralized that they go out and suck for the rest of the season. That's why last week's #1, Texas, drops to #4 despite dumping Colorado. All but one of Texas's opponents lost this week, dragging down their rating. So it goes in the YFTS rankings, where a win can be a loss, a loss can be a win, and Nebraska is still ranked after two straight home losses because it currently has the #1 strength of schedule.

Top 25 Rankings

USC (23.097) +1 -- resumes regularly scheduled beatings, #1 spot... much to the chagrin of the East Coast and SEC
Missouri (22.021) +1 -- the Gary Pinkel Tour o' Vengeance continues
BYU (14.220) +2 -- BYU stands for Beware Your Unconverted asses
Texas (14.180) -3 -- epic showdown next week with...
Oklahoma (13.969) -1 -- two teams enter the Cotton Bowl, one team leaves
Tulsa (11.389) +8 -- putting up video game numbers week after week
Georgia (9.288) +1 -- see, sometimes not playing actually helps
Boise State (9.074) +12 -- Smurf Turf still dangerous... and ugly
Alabama (9.051) -3 -- Kentucky scored more offensive points than you did
California (8.713) +3 -- close loss to Maryland all but forgotten
Florida (8.607) NR -- everybody gets a turn beating the Hogs
Texas Tech (8.527) +9 -- big jump this week for beating semi-legitimate foe Kansas State
Penn State (8.178) -1 -- see article title... your SOS sucks
North Carolina (7.989) NR -- this week's party-crasher
Oklahoma State (7.823) nc -- Boone Pickens' stock drops, Okies' stock rises
Nebraska (7.472) -6 -- see how much SOS matters? Two straight home losses, and they're still #16.
Ball State (6.862) +1 -- best team in Indiana?
Georgia Tech (6.546) NR -- old school makes an appearance in the rankings
Kansas (6.478) -8 -- from devouring cupcakes to nearly choking on them
Utah (6.452) -4 -- not the angriest Mormons on the list
Kentucky (6.229) -14 -- honestly, I don't know why they're ranked
Vanderbilt (6.145) -5 -- Revenge of the Nerds
Northwestern (5.595) nc -- Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise
Michigan State (5.581) NR -- isn't it about time for a riot?
LSU (5.393) NR -- finally makes an appearance... just in time for the Florida game

Missing the cut: TCU, Arizona, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Wake Forest
Explanation of Rankings

Awards

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Tim Tebow Fails to Convert 4th Down, Ole Miss D-Line

2008-09-28T00:07:00.018-05:00

Everyone who would like to stay in the Top 10, please step forward. Not so fast, Florida.

What a weekend. What did we do to deserve such a smorgasbord of delightful comeuppance? Oh, that's right... we had to listen to SEC fans thump their chests about how awesome their conference was for the last nine months. Well... at least your best teams have the decency to lose at home. Apparently, the vaunted SEC home-field advantage only works on Sun Belt schools. And Tennessee.

Of course, it would be silly to write today's losers off so early in the season. Just as silly as it would be to rank today's losers so highly so early in the season. But let me just point out who had Alabama ranked at #3 last week...

Top 25 Rankings

Texas (19.779) +5 - powered by consistent drubbings (52-10, 42-13, 52-10, 52-10) of bad-to-mediocre teams
USC (16.008) -1 - despite getting engulfed by the Beavers, the Trojans are still pounding the rankings on the strength of two blowout victories, one over a now 4-1 Ohio State
Missouri (14.723) +8 - didn't even play, yet they shoot up the rankings based on improving opponent records
Oklahoma (13.467) +8 - continues to crush opponents; wins over TCU and Cincinnati boost ranking
BYU (12.087) -1 - in this case, staying idle hurts
Alabama (11.371) - 3 - Go figure, Alabama sinks this week, weighed down by Arkansas's increasing exposure and Georgia's garbage-time scoring
Kentucky (9.613) +1 - idle but rising due to lopsided wins
Georgia (9.430) +1 - if you're going to lose, UGA sez: score big in garbage time and lose to an undefeated team
Wisconsin (9.281) -7 - Bucky Badger forgot that there was a second half in football
Nebraska (8.629) -5 - keeping it close in the loss to VaTech saved them from falling farther
Kansas (8.450) +3 - loss to USF looking better by the week
Penn State (8.023) +4 - JoePa keeps creeping forward... with his blinker still on
California (8.001) +11 - key to an 11-point jump: resume blowing teams out
Tulsa (7.854) +6 - keeps winning impressively
Oklahoma State (7.714) NR - quietly winning big
Utah (7.537) -6 - weak schedule beginning to catch up with Utes
Vanderbilt (6.616) +6 - SEC dark horse keeps gaining
Ball State (6.558) -3 - weak schedule coming into play
USF (6.542) NR - wins beginning to pay off
Boise State (6.061) NR - everybody's favorite underdog breaks into the Top 25
Texas Tech (5.986) +4 - well, everyone else is losing... someone has to be #21
Connecticut (5.820) nc - you can't spell consistency without UConn... well, I guess you don't need the "U"
Northwestern (5.707) NR - can Fitzgerald's Wildcats keep winning?
Arizona (5.662) -7 - the season is beginning to catch up with these 'Cats
Wake Forest (5.470) -12 - dropping 12 spots happens when you lose to a team that passes five times all game

Missing the cut: Florida, LSU, Michigan State, TCU, Minnesota
Explanation of Rankings

It took until Week 5, but the AP pollsters are beginning to agree with me. Sure, the order is slightly off, but we agree that Texas, OU, and Mizzou are all Top-5 teams. What you won't find in the YFTS rankings is arbitrary punishment for this week's upset victims. USC still has that big win over Ohio State to hang its hat on, Georgia lost to another Top-10 team, and other losers kept the final score close. There are now 18 teams ranked simultaneously in the AP poll and the YFTS rankings. The seven oddballs on my rankings still rank as "receiving votes" in the AP poll.

One thing that's evident from the YFTS rankings is that it's better to lose a close game to even a mediocre opponent (USC, Cal) than it is to be undefeated against no one in particular (Utah, Ball State). Of course, blowouts over cupcakes never hurt (Texas).

Weekly Awards:

The Biggest Loser Award goes to Florida, who fell from #7 to "missing the cut." That's what happens when your opponents keep losing. Well, except for Ole Miss.
The Best Passer Award goes to Mark "Dirty" Sanchez of USC, who rifled his mouthguard at the exit tunnel of Reser Stadium with laser accuracy.
The Weirdest Score That Happened Twice Award goes to Michigan-Wisconsin and Central Michigan-Buffalo, both producing 27-25 final scores. Work on those conversions, guys.
The Video Game Score Award goes to Rice, for annihilating North Texas 77-20, with only 5-minute quarters, no less!
The Oops, I Crapped My Pants Award goes to Georgia, who wisely thought to wear all black to an event where they would mess themselves both badly and publicly

The Hadron Collider Has Nothing on the Vortex of Suck Created by the ACC

2008-09-21T00:21:00.007-05:00

I'm stunned, and frankly relieved, that the suckfest that was the Florida State-Wake Forest game Saturday night didn't create a super-dense black hole that would've brought about the end of existence as we know it. But there are still 11 weeks left in the season. I don't like our chances.

The Week 4 rankings are out, and even bias-free computer-generated rankings think USC is the shit. Alabama (#117 schedule strength) and BYU (#92 schedule strength) are jockeying for the highest position attained via blowouts over awful teams. And the Big 12 is quietly dominating the rankings with seven teams represented. Despite East Carolina's loss, the BCS Busters (BYU, Utah, Ball State, TCU, Tulsa) are still hanging around the party, hitting on hot girls they have no chance with and drinking the beer remnants from discarded red plastic cups. But you know that as annoying as they are, one of them might just get laid. Well... not BYU or Utah. I'm guessing they don't call them Ball State for nothing.

Top 25 Rankings

USC (25.546) +1
Wisconsin (21.217) +2
Alabama (18.561) +6
BYU (17.594) -3
Nebraska (13.325) +3
Texas (12.841) +6
Florida (12.217) -
Kentucky (10.129) +6
Georgia (10.062) -6
Utah (9.105) +5
Missouri (8.991) -1
Oklahoma (8.812) +7
Wake Forest (8.626) -7
Kansas (8.038) NR
Ball State (7.923) NR
Penn State (7.744) +7
Arizona (7.552) -12
Colorado (7.373) +3
TCU (7.100) +3
Tulsa (6.407) NR
Minnesota (6.376) +4
Connecticut (6.339) -2
Vanderbilt (6.247) NR
California (6.236) NR
Texas Tech (5.933) -8

Just missing the cut: Boise State, Oklahoma State, Northwestern, USF, LSU
Explanation of Rankings

Time to hand out some awards.

The Kickin' It Old School Award goes to two programs—Georgia Tech and Navy—for running the triple option quite successfully over two 2007 bowl teams. Paul Johnson and protege Ken Niumatalolo keeps it real. Real old school.
The Most Deceptive Undefeated Record goes to Northwestern, who is currently enjoying the sweet smell of being two games away from bowl eligibility. Unfortunately for Northwestern, they will likely still be two games away from bowl eligibility come December.
The I Just Flushed My Chance for a Big-Time Program Interview Down the Crapper Award goes to Skip Holtz, who chose to go for it on 4th down late in the game against NC State rather than taking a chip-shot field goal that would've ultimately put the game out of reach. Well, there's still the C-USA championship... and the fantastic Liberty Bowl... meh.
The Confidence-Builder Award goes to Northeastern, who allowed Syracuse to notch probably its only win of the season. What is it about teams who have movies made about them sucking so hard? Back when We Are Marshall came out, Marshall did its best to remind people of what it was like during that first season after the crash.
The How Bad Is the ACC? Award goes to Middle Tennessee State, who is 0–2 in Sun Belt play after toppling Maryland, who is now 3–1 and a legitimate contender for the ACC Atlantic crown.
The How Bad Is the Rest of the SEC? Award goes to Tennessee. And Mississippi State. And Arkansas. And Ole Miss.

Ohio State Sucks

2008-09-14T01:43:00.016-05:00

But don't get too cocky, Pac-10. You suck only slightly less than Ohio State.

Top 25 Rankings

Rank/Team/Change
1 BYU (25.158) N/A
2 USC (21.263) -
3 Georgia (17.390) +3
4 Wisconsin (16.238) +1
5 Arizona(14.288) -4
6 Wake Forest (13.084) +4
7 Florida (11.971) -4
8 Nebraska (10.669) +1
9 Alabama (9.736) +9
10 Missouri (9.255) -
11 Auburn (8.464) +14
12 Texas (8.385) -8
13 Air Force (8.171) N/A
14 Kentucky (7.927) -6
15 Utah (7.383) +4
16 Vanderbilt (7.094) N/A
17 Texas Tech (7.023) +7
18 East Carolina (6.794) -2
19 Oklahoma (6.746) -5
20 Connecticut (6.653) N/A
21 Colorado (6.643) -
22 TCU (6.440) N/A
23 Penn State (6.032) N/A
24 Iowa (5.889) N/A
25 Minnesota (5.752) N/A

Just missing the cut: Kansas, Ball State, USF, Indiana, Notre Dame
Explanation of rankings

The Buckeyes are the villain who refuses to die at the end of every poorly made horror movie. They can be scary at times, but they're always defeated by a bunch of crafty teenagers who actually decide to stand up to the villain and fight back, usually by impaling it through the eye with a rusty spike. Of course, the villain never goes down after the first rusty spike to the eye. He has to get up one last time to scare the kids, who ultimately finish him in an even more heinous manner (tossed into an industrial paper shredder, for example).

Remember Hostel? The L.A. Coliseum probably looked like this to the Bucks last night.

But enough about that. Let's discuss the rankings. BYU shoots to the top of the rankings this week after no doubt converting the entire UCLA team to Mormonism. Wake Forest continues to inexplicably rise to the top of the rankings, and three Big Ten teams decided to crash the rankings party. The big story this week is BCS Busters, which we have at #1, #13, #15, #18, and #22. We'll see if they continue to hold onto those spots as we progress into the season. Once LSU actually plays a team with a winning record, they might actually make it into the rankings.

TheTraveling the Longest Distance to Get Your Ass Handed to You Award goes to North Dakota State. Just kidding. It's Ohio State.
The Oops, I Shit the Bed Award goes to Arizona State, for bowing out of the Top 25 in spectacularly pathetic fashion several weeks before it's regularly scheduled to do so. Thanks in advance for ruining that whole Georgia game next week.
The How the Hell Did We Get to a Bowl Game Last Year?!? Award goes to Virginia, who continued their dominance of the CFB basement by losing to Connecticut 45-10.
The Two Years of Success Can't Erase Centuries of Suck Award goes to Rutgers, who were embarrassed 44-12 at home in prime time by a school where football is perhaps the fourth most popular sport.
The I Will Make You Pay for Years of Frustration Award goes to Gary Pinkel and Mizzou for brutalizing Nevada 69-17. A fake FG when you're up 45-17? Jesus, Gary... you don't have to embarrass, destroy, and piss on your opponents.

Explanation of the YFTS Rankings

2008-09-09T21:25:00.008-05:00

(UPDATED 10/26) It occurred to me that I should probably explain the YFTS rankings before I start getting complaints from people about why their team isn't in the Top 25 (short answer: because your team sucks). The goal behind the rankings was to try to create a simple ratings formula that would accurately mimic all the factors that human pollsters take into account when they rank teams, but also eliminate bias from the equation, be it historical (Michigan, Ohio State, Notre Dame), based on ridiculous preseason rankings (Clemson), or bandwagon-riding/darkhorse-picking (Texas Tech).

No one in my theoretical mathematics courses ever looked like this.
Except for Kyle the tranny.

A team's YFTS rating represents the average of each of its individual weekly ratings. The weekly rating is determined thusly:

Win/Loss Points—a team receives +5 points for a win or -5 points for a loss.
Quotient of Victory/Defeat—in the case of a win, the margin of victory points (1.67 for a one-score win, 3.34 for a two-score win, or 5 for a greater-than-two-score win) are multiplied by the opponent's winning percentage; in the case of a loss, the margin of defeat points are multiplied by 1 minus the opponent's winning percentage (to account for the negative margin).
Score Bonus—a "score bonus" is determined by multiplying the opponent's winning percentage with the ratio of the team's points scored to its opponent's.
Road Bonus—in the event of a road win, a team receives additional points equal to one-half its Score Bonus.
Finally, the weekly rating equals the sum of the Win/Loss Points, the Quotient of Victory/Defeat, the Score Bonus and, if applicable, the Road Bonus.

What does all that mean?

Win/Loss Points—simple enough.
Quotient of Victory/Defeat—the size of the win is linearly attached to the quality of the opponent, but there are no rewards or penalties for blowouts. Big win over a good team = lots of points. Close win over a bad team = barely any points.
Score Bonus—this is similar to the Quotient rating, only it takes into account raw scoring output. A good example would be the Mizzou-Illinois game in week 1. Illinois actually received a higher Score Bonus than Mizzou because it was able to score 42 points against an undefeated team. Mizzou, however, only won by 10 points against a .500 team. The Score Bonus acts as a consolation prize to a losing team that performs well, plus it adds a small bonus to the winning team depending on how soundly it defeated its opponent. Shutouts are particularly significant (see Arizona).
Road Bonus—a small bonus for winning on the road. The higher the Score Bonus, the higher the Road Bonus.
Weekly Rating—a sum of individual components assessed on a weekly basis. Each weekly rating is dynamic, taking into account the season-long performance of each opponent. If Virginia happens to run the table, USC's week 1 rating will shoot through the roof, boosting its overall rating.

Your Strength of Schedule Sucks

2008-09-07T22:37:00.004-05:00

Believe it or not, amidst the clusterfuck of numbers, equations, and error-filled functions in the YFTS rankings spreadsheet, I'm also keeping track of each team's strength of schedule on a week-by-week basis. Like the rankings, these figures will increase in meaningfullness as the season progresses.

How do I calculate the SOS? It's simply the average of the winning percentages of each team's opponents. You want to know why it took me eight months to make the damn spreadsheet? Because I was inserting shit like this into it.

So let's take a look at some of the more noteworthy numbers. Keep in mind that we're balls-deep in the cupcake-scheduling portion of the season, so a lot of teams are going to have artificially deflated SOS numbers. Why? Because I assigned a static 0% winning percentage to all I-AA teams. You want a warm-up game (or two [cough]Florida State[cough])? Try playing a team from the ACC or Big East. That's what those lower-tier conferences are for.

1. Arizona; SOS = 117 (tie)
2. USC; SOS = 4 (tie)
***
110. Washington State; SOS = 1 (tie)
119. UL-Lafayette; SOS = 117 (tie)

What do we learn from these figures? Absolutely nothing. It's just too damn early in the season. Will I nevertheless use these figures to mock the SEC fanboys? Hell yes.

8. Kentucky; SOS = 117 (tie)
17. Alabama; SOS = 117 (tie)

Four Pac-10 schools have SOS rankings in the Top 15, eight Big Ten schools have SOS rankings in the Top 25, and 10 Big 12 schools have SOS rankings in the Top 25 (the exceptions being famous cupcake-eaters K-State and Texas Tech). The SEC's highest SOS ranking: Georgia at #14. Chalk that up to venturing west of the Mississippi, along with Tennessee and Mississippi State (tied at #22).

Here's the challenge, SEC: if your schools are so damn good, then why don't they actually prove it? Having your conference champ annihilate Ohio State each January is not a solid indicator of your conference's strength. It just means that Ohio State sucks, and we all know that anyway. But Ohio State's actually going to prove that they suck next week, while LSU is going to humiliate North Texas next week, and Alabama is going to allow Western Kentucky to get embarrassingly close.

It Sucks to Be Jake Locker

2008-09-07T01:02:00.015-05:00

Dear Pac-10 Refs,

You suck.

Love Always,
College Football Fans

Top 25 Rankings

Arizona (52.953)
USC (31.372)
Florida (20.710)
Texas (15.102)
Wisconsin (13.620)
Georgia (12.979)
Kansas (10.644)
Kentucky (9.157)
Nebraska (9.067)
Wake Forest (8.978)
Rice (8.469)
South Carolina (8.252)
Minnesota (7.751)
Oklahoma (7.620)
Air Force (7.602)
East Carolina (7.571)
Alabama (7.399)
Arizona State (7.238)
Utah (7.004)
Troy (6.945)
Colorado (6.643)
Indiana (6.243)
Oklahoma State (6.206)
Texas Tech (6.148)
Auburn (5.804)

(Lurking: Ball State, USF, UConn, Arkansas State, Northwestern)

*Note: due to the late Hawaii win overnight, Florida shot up from #13 to #3 in the rankings. Starting to believe in the spreadsheet yet?

As expected, the rankings are quickly beginning to sharpen as the season progresses. Sure, there are still some bugs to be worked out [hint: it starts with "game" and ends with "cocks"], but the rankings are generally looking much better this week. For every odd man in (Nebraska, Rice, Minnesota), there are others that are spot-on according to the pollsters (USC, Georgia, East Carolina, Alabama). Unfortunately, New Mexico State's inability to play a fricking game as of yet has ripped a hole in the time-space continuum of my rankings spreadsheet.

I'm sure you're asking questions like "How the hell did Arizona get to be #1?" and "Exactly what demographic of American women does Whoopi Goldberg represent on The View?" Well, I can't help you with the latter, but I guess I do owe you some sort of explanation for these crazy rankings.

If we take a look at the spreadsheet, we see that Arizona crushed a now 1–1 Idaho team last week 70-0. They followed that up this week with a 41–16 beatdown of Toledo. While neither opponent is even remotely strong, the margin of victory definitely compensates. Just ask Tom Osborne. But don't worry—Arizona's strength of schedule is currently ranked 117 out of 120. This will ultimately bite them in the ass as the season progresses.

Other ranked teams worthy of explanation include Kansas (large margin of victory coupled with very few points allowed), Kentucky (ditto), and South Carolina (close road loss to ZOMG!!11! SEC team Vandy not as important as crushing shutout over NC State). For all the head-scratchers in the Top 25, you can't really say that it's any worse of a list than what the AP or Coaches come up with. East Carolina is being set up to be this year's USF and winner of the Steepest Parabolic Arc from Obscurity to #2 Then Right Back to Obscurity Award.

Time to hand out the weekly YFTS awards.

The Traveling the Longest Distance to Get Your Ass Handed to You Award goes to Oregon State for their shit-tastic 45–14 performance in Happy Valley.
The Sleeping Through Three Quarters Only to Pull the Game Out of Your Ass in the Fourth Award goes to Colorado, for heroically deciding to rally for 17 points in the 4th quarter of a home game to defeat I-AA Eastern Washington. (Ohio State was a close second.)
The Shameless Drubbing of a I-AA Opponent in Order to Inflate Your Ranking Award goes to Arkansas State, for following up a legitimate big-time win of Texas A&M last week by hanging 83 points on Texas Southern. Dick move, Red Wolves. Dick move. (Florida State was a close second.)
The Smooth-Ass Win of the Week Award goes to Rice, for capping a 29-point 4th quarter comeback with a 69-yard interception return for a touchdown against Memphis. That's smooth-ass.
The Oops, I Shit the Bed... Again Award goes to San Diego State, for following up last week's bed-shitting against Cal Poly by losing to Notre Dame despite carrying the lead into the 4th quarter. Marshall Faulk is spinning in his grave. What's that? He's not dead? I bet he wishes he was.

Week 1 Rankings Are Out

2008-09-01T23:26:00.002-05:00

OK, so the rankings formula I devised back in December of 2007 wasn't without some flaws, one of which being a complete clusterfuck of ratings in week 1. So there's a 72-way tie for first place. Don't worry, as the weeks go on, the ratings will become increasingly more accurate and mindblowing. It's just that every team that won this week (all 72 of them) has the same maximum score since every corresponding losing opponent has a 0% winning percentage. Like I said, it'll work itself out in the coming weeks.

In lieu of awarding a #1 ranking to 72 teams, I've decided to select one representative for the spot: Arkansas State. The Red Wolves (isn't that a beer or an energy drink?) defied the traditional role of Sun Belt teams in the non-conference portion of the schedule—that of the sacrificial lamb or one of Richard Gere's gerbils—and beat a 2007 bowl team from a top conference... at their home. But take heart, Aggies. You're still #9 in the rankings. Until next week, when you should plummet to around #74. But, hey, it's a short week, so you've got that going for you.

While the inordinate number of ties only leaves around 40 actual rankings, I will specially award San Diego State with the #120 spot. The only thing worse than losing to a Sun Belt team at home is losing to a I-AA school at home. Way to go, Aztecs! Don't worry... if the Mayans were right, we've only got four years to live anyway.

Big Ten–haters might want to take note that the Top 10 is littered with Big Ten teams:

Arkansas State (72-way tie) 5.000
Ohio -4.042
Michigan -4.071
Tennessee -4.100
Northern Illinois -4.118
Virginia Tech -4.167
Michigan State -4.171
Illinois -4.182
Texas A&M -4.190
Oregon State -4.205
Mississippi State -4.320
(tie) Utah State/Pittsburgh -4.333
(tie) Pittsburgh -4.333
Memphis -4.386
Middle Tennessee -4.412
Western Michigan -4.460
UAB -4.479
SMU -4.492
Akron -4.512
(tie) UTEP -4.556
(tie) UL-Lafayette -4.556
Miami (OH) -4.568
Syracuse -4.606
Washington State -4.619
Rutgers -4.630

This Just Occurred to Me

2008-08-31T20:47:00.002-05:00

Week 1 Sucks

2008-08-31T19:47:00.004-05:00

I was going to label this entry "The ACC Sucks," but then I realized that's what the last entry was labeled. I didn't want people to get confused.

Let's face it: the first week of college football after a nine-month layoff is both relieving but utterly unsatisfying, not unlike scoring a quickie in a Jack in the Box bathroom after a two-year sex drought. Or something. This week's slate of games left very few compelling match-ups, and even some of the compelling match-ups didn't pan out. Alabama embarrassed Clemson about eight weeks sooner than Clemson usually begins embarrassing itself, and an Arena Football League game broke out in the middle of the Mizzou-Illinois game.

Week 1 isn't quite over, but I'm confident, based on the average shittiness of the first three days of games, that the remaining three games will suck equally. Maybe Rick Neuheisel will actually bust out a blackjack table during the UCLA-Tennessee game, but would anyone really be shocked by that?

Rankings out tomorrow. Prepare to be shocked. Let's just say a BCS-buster bellied up to the bar that no one was expecting.

The ACC Sucks

2008-05-26T22:24:00.004-05:00

Back from a three-month absence [cough]rehab[cough], YFTS now brings you the first in a series of six conference previews. Mind you, I have no inside knowledge of any of the conferences or teams. In fact, the only thing I've paid attention to in the off-season has been the Fulmer Cup free-for-all and the flamenca outfit Erin Andrews sported at the Florida spring game.

First up: the ACC. Here's all you need to know about the ACC. Florida State dominated this conference pretty much every year of its existence. It managed to go to three BCS Championship games, winning one against a team that is now a conference opponent. Then Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College joined the conference, and Florida State suddenly started to suck really bad. OR... maybe Florida State was always kind of overrated, and the slightest amount of competition managed to expose one of the most fearsome programs (and, by proxy, its conference) of the '90s as a fraud.

Boston College—remember when Matt Ryan launched on the sidelines during that comeback win over Virginia Tech last year? That's what BC diehards will be doing this season when the Eagles struggle to eke out a 6–6 record and Congressional Bowl bid. Good thing they scheduled Rhode Island. What the hell is Rhode Island? The Clamshuckers?

Clemson—28 years and counting since the last championship for the Tigers. And it'll be 29 this time next year. Tommy Bowden has a greater chance at winning a liver spot contest with his dad than getting within sniffing distance of a quality bowl game, let alone the championship. Record: 8–4

Duke—Still good at hoops and not raping strippers. Record: 4–8

Florida State—At this point, can Florida State just start recruiting directly from the Florida state prison system? Hey, you're going to get schooled by Tim Tebow either way. Record: 7–5

Georgia Tech—Good luck with the triple option. Record: 6–6

Maryland—Fridge keeps the team respectable by winning seven games and eating two players. Record: 7–5

Miami—Let's see who draws the most fans to Pro Player Stadium this year... the Hurricanes, the Dolphins, the Marlins, or Miami FC. Record: 7–5

North Carolina—When your mascot's son kills his father to usurp his throne, you KNOW that Butch Davis is shaping things up around Chapel Hill. Record: 6–6

North Carolina State—Hey, NC State... you've got five DI-A schools in the state. Someone has to be the worst. Record: 3–9

Virginia—You can't spell "vulva" without UVA. Record: 6–6

Virginia Tech—When your most famous alum is sitting in prison for organizing a dog-fighting ring... let's just say recruiting gets a little tougher. I mean, Florida State's already working the prison angle. Record: 8–4

Wake Forest—I like Wake. Playing Baylor in Waco in August takes some balls. More balls than say, oh, putting two DI-AA schools on your schedule and pretending to be a major-conference team. But I doubt there are any teams in the ACC pulling that kind of crap. Certainly not ones coached by the likes of Bobby or Tommy Bowden. Record: 7–5

Conference champion: Virginia Tech.

Sheen Restored to OU's Worst Season in Recent Memory

2008-02-23T23:38:00.003-06:00

The NCAA rightfully returned the eight wins ingloriously ganked from OU in the wake of the Rhett Bhomar scandal from 2005.

Buck up, li'l guy! You can hang your hat on those freshly re-gifted eight wins when you lose the Fiesta Bowl again next year.

Introducing the First Two-Loss National Champion!

2008-01-07T19:13:00.000-06:00

7:09: Band pulled off of Bourbon Street performs worst version of National Anthem ever.

7:14: Announcers talk over LSU's entrance. Good job.

7:15: Les Miles incoherent for pre-game interview. Determines that each team has 11 players.

7:21: Coin toss, LSU wins. The rout begins.

7:23: Kickoff. Ohio State does not return it for a touchdown, ensuring the final score will be 7 points lower than last year's championship game.

7:24: Did they rake the turf grass in the Superdome? It looks nice.

7:25: Is it just me, or does the Ohio State "Best Damn Band in the Land" remind anyone else of the movie Taps?

7:26: Buckeyes score on 65-yard rushing touchdown. SEC defensive speed is suffocating.

7:33: 3rd down, LSU fumbles the snap. Forced to punt from its own end zone. SEC! SEC!

7:37: Ohio State completes long-ass pass immediately following the punt. The SEC speed is just too much for the Buckeyes.

7:40: 10–0, Ohio State.

7:43: First Fox human-interest story of the evening. Followed immediately by first crass promotional tie-in (Jumper replay) of the evening.

7:48: And for the 32nd consecutive bowl game, holding is now legal.

7:51: Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow.

7:52: Matt Flynn is still not Tim Tebow.

7:55: Allstate commercial with Drew from Office Space. Oh! Oh! Oh!

7:56: SEC speed unstoppable. Field Goal good.

7:58: More LSU cheerleaders. Less everything else.

8:03: Fox commentator #2 uses the word "plaudits." And he uses it correctly. What the hell, Fox? Hiring nerds now?

8:05: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

8:11: 10–10. The match-up of two tough defensive squads has yet to materialize.

8:15: Beanie Wells just embarrassed Chevis Jackson. Or is it Chivas? Regardless, the SEC is just too powerful.

8:19: Bo Pelini is homeless, apparently. Wait, he dressed himself?

8:21: Blocked FG. Momentum swinging to the bayou.

8:26: Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow.

8:30: Touchdown, LSU. Might as well pack up now, Bucks.

8:36: Interception by Chivas Regal. Thanks for playing, Ohio State. I bet the airport restaurants are still open, if you want to grab some food before your flight home.

8:38: 83rd player of bowl season stretches out to get a touchdown but fumbles instead. Lucky for LSU, they retain possession.

8:42: LSU touchdown. Seriously, Bucks, you might want to hit the road early. The area around the Superdome kinda sucks. I wouldn't even want to be there in broad daylight.

8:47: You know what I miss? Gargantuan facemasks, half-shirts, and neck rolls. Sure, a "heavy" guy weighed around 220 back then, but at least he looked scary.

8:52: Halftime. Start the bus!

8:57: Ohio State's "Best Damn Band in the Land" performing fight songs of the service academies, all of which might be putting up more of a fight against LSU right now than the Buckeyes are.

9:14: Holy crap. JaMarcus Russell is like a foot taller than Troy Smith. Maybe it's from sitting on the bench all year.

9:19 Trinity wins the $100,000 award for Pontiac Game Changing Moment of the Year, which I'm pretty sure exceeds Trinity's entire athletic budget. App State was robbed.

9:27: LSU mercifully killing the clock with short running plays. Fox will counteract with TV timeouts and fake injuries to members of the chain gang.

9:33: Ohio State actually stops LSU on third down. Celebrates by roughing the kicker on subsequent punt. LSU maintains possession.

9:36: Sideline reporter reveals that Devin Hester is related to Terry Bradshaw. Who isn't in the state of Louisiana?

9:37: Ohio State making sure everyone who bet on the spread wins handily. LSU touchdown. Game now approaching Sugar Bowl beatdown levels.

9:40: Would rather be watching Kate Walsh Cadillac commercials on a loop right now.

9:46: Budweiser is trying to convince me that their beer tastes good. They'd have better luck trying to convince me that Ohio State deserved to play in this game.

9:52: HOLD EVERYTHING! Ohio State interception. Here it comes, baby! The #2 announcer just said Ohio State has to "get six" here, so you KNOW they're going to get it.

9:54: Ohio State touchdo... hey, another Drew from Office Space commercial! I love that guy.

9:59: For the last time, Matt Flynn is not Tim Tebow. This is like using a fork to eat ice cream.

10:00: 3rd quarter over. 90% of the country changes the channel to watch Anthony Bourdain.

10:11: Huh... what? They're still playing? Oh, OK. Um, Ohio State... 4th and 7... aaaaaaannnnnnd they call a timeout.

10:15: Bad play... getting worse... getting worse! Give the MVP award to Boeckman's lack of depth perception. LSU players are closer than they appear.

10:19: OK, unless he gets dumped tonight, which isn't out of the question, he's still doing well for himself.

10:26: Whoa... only 7:00 to go? I think the clock keeper is going a little light on the controls tonight. Someone buy that man a Hurricane.

10:29: Boeckman fumbles again. Still having a better night than Troy Smith did last year at this time.

10:31: Boeckman throws an interception. No, this isn't a repeat.

10:35: Jim Tressel, meet Marv Levy.

10:39: Goodnight, Bucks.

10:46: Ohio State successfully keeps box score from obviously indicating that this was a blowout. Box score now only strongly suggests that this was a blowout.

10:49: First Katrina reference of the night. I'm proud of you Fox. You held it together for three and a half hours.

10:50: Bo Pelini gets a Gatorade bath. Enjoy it, Bo. It might be a while until your next one.

10:51: Fox now beating first Katrina reference of the night to death, despite the fact that Baton Rouge is, was, and always will be an hour away from New Orleans. On that note, goodnight! Try not to suck all the way back to Columbus, Buckeyes.

Goodbye, Annual 8-4 Seasons. Hello, Annual 9-3 Seasons!

2007-12-16T19:54:00.000-06:00

Congratulations, Michigan. Instead of getting the guy who backed into the National Championship, you're getting the guy who put the bus in drive and drove straight out of it. Which is still an upgrade, really.

You know who's enjoying this most? Greg Schiano. No more Petrino, no more Rodriguez. He just has to get rid of Jim Leavitt, Brian Kelly, and Randy Edsall, and he might be the best coach in the conference. But the Hypnostache might have something to say about that.

Damn It's Good to be a Falcon

2007-12-11T22:53:00.000-06:00

Sorry I couldn't find a more current picture of Bobby Petrino. I'm pretty sure the 2007 Falcons team photo isn't even back from the Walgreens film department yet. Which is a good thing, because there's a few guys they might want to Photoshop out. I mean, besides Joey Harrington.

Well, good luck with that move, Arkansas. I'm sure this will pan out better than the last coach, who only won huge games year in and year out, despite having to recruit against OU, UT, Tennessee, and LSU. I'm sure the Arkansas AD will look back on this move in two years, when Petrino's moved on to yet another team, and have a good laugh as he cashes his last check.

The Harris Poll Is Nothing Compared to My Poll

2007-12-02T19:52:00.000-06:00

The latest rankings:

Ohio State (16.156)
West Virginia (15.792)
LSU (15.754)
Oklahoma (15.671)
Kansas (15.649)
Virginia Tech (15.619)
Hawaii (15.506)
Missouri (14.651)
USC (13.993)
Florida (13.771)

Just missing the cut: Arizona State (13.555), Georgia (13.028), Clemson (12.512)

That's right. If my computer ran the world, not only would there be a large selection of screenshots from celebrity nude scenes tucked away in some inconspicuous filepath (C:\Documents and Settings\User\My Documents\19th Century British Literature\Essays\Thesis Revisions), but you would also see a title game featuring a team that has won one game in the last four weeks versus a team that imploded against the Hypnostache. Really, is that any worse than watching a rerun of last year's title game?

And since I have nothing to watch on TV between now and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl on December 20th, I tinkered with the different components of the rankings to see what permutations I could come up with.

Here's what the Top 5 looks like if I remove the bonus for road wins:

Kansas
Ohio State
Oklahoma
LSU
West Virginia

And here's what it looks like if I remove the margin of victory/loss component:

Virginia Tech
Hawaii
Ohio State
LSU
Kansas

And, finally, here's what it looks like if I remove strength of schedule:

Hawaii
Ohio State
Kansas
West Virginia
Oklahoma

These variations basically tell us that Kansas didn't do anything impressive outside of Lawrence, Virginia Tech's horrid loss to LSU was unforgivable, and Hawaii played high school JV squads to get to 12–0.

So what have we learned from this latest BCS controversy that we didn't already learn from the previous controversies in 1998, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006? Quite simply, that Gary Danielson sucks.

UHHHHHH KA-BLAM!

2007-12-02T11:09:00.000-06:00

You know what? Just forget my last two posts ever happened. Saturday's events made my head explode. First, the Hypnostache pulled off an amazing upset after West Virginia itself pulled an Oregon. Then Oklahoma did what everyone outside of Missouri expected them to do, which was pound Missouri back into the Meramec Caverns.

The carnage leaves us with the very real possibility of a repeat of last year's title game. Just change the location and the opponent, but leave in the part about Ohio State getting demolished by an SEC team with more losses.

This is like finally watching 2 Girls 1 Cup because of all the hilarious reaction videos on YouTube, spending all weekend trying to get those images out of your head, then being tricked into watching it again.

Being a Pitt Fan Sucks

2007-11-30T20:58:00.000-06:00

And the Hypnostache thus spaketh:

"YOU WILL GIVE WANNSTEDT A THREE-YEAR EXTENSION."

And, yay, Pitt obliged. All hail the Hypnostache.

Being a Stepping Stone Sucks

2007-11-30T20:27:00.000-06:00

Know how friggin' awesome the SEC is? So awesome that the head coach and defensive coordinator of soon-to-be SEC champion LSU Tigers—a team that reached #1, lost, reached #1 again, lost again, and is STILL within spitting distance of the National Championship—are bolting to coach teams from the overrated Big Ten and cupcake-scheduling Big 12, respectively.

Jeez, SEC... that's gotta sting. I mean, it was one thing when two of your best coaches won National Championships, then bolted for the NFL, then failed miserably and came back to coach at lesser schools in the conference, where they would put together intimidating records of 6–6. But now you're losing your best coaches even before they win National Championships, and you're losing them to conferences that are way worse than your super-awesome conference.

Well, at least you've still got Tubs. He's not going anywhere.

Update: LSU somehow coughed up more money (or perhaps a picture of Les Miles making out with Brutus Buckeye) and Les is staying put.

Your Favorite Rankings Suck

2007-11-25T13:20:00.000-06:00

I don't have the time or verbal skills to adequately explain to you, our three readers, how the YFTS Rankings work. Let's just say it involves numbers, an Excel spreadsheet, and most likely some complex functions incorrectly copied over from other cells, shattering whatever shred of legitimacy this undertaking might have once had. Without further ado:

West Virginia (17.810)
Missouri (16.208)
Ohio State (16.177)
Hawaii (15.648)
Kansas (15.611)
LSU (15.604)
Oklahoma (15.339)
Virginia Tech (14.042)
Florida (13.779)
USC (13.743)

Just missing the cut: Arizona State (13.558), Boston College (13.137), Georgia (13.127)

Is everyone OK with this? SEC fans? Can you handle the top six spots not being occupied by SEC teams? Good.

I should point out that these rankings are completely objective, and thoroughly stupid. Nothing is based on bias (well, except for my exclusion of Mountain West teams... I'll be damned if I include that rogue conference), and there is no consideration for a school's legacy, whether you lose early or late in the season, or whether you embarrassed your conference so thoroughly last year (hint: the team's name rhymes with, uh, "suck-eyes") that you shouldn't be allowed to even sniff #1 for at least another ten years. In case you're curious, here's the formula:

(10 points for a win or -10 points for a loss) + (10 x opponent's winning percentage) + (margin of victory or defeat/8) + (road win bonus = margin of victory/8)

I'm still working on it, but for now these rankings are non-binding, meaning they have absolutely no bearing on any bowl-game selections. But a note to Athletic Directors and head coaches across NCAA Division I-A football: stop scheduling I-AA teams. Not only can they pull off the occasional colossal upset, but they sink your ratings quicker than hiring Katie Couric.

I think the only real surprises in the rankings are the respective positions of Hawaii and Georgia. Hawaii has been getting hammered in the ~~real~~ mainstream rankings all season for playing such a weak schedule. Aside from Boise State, they've played seven teams with losing records, two I-AA teams, an indoor-league football team (the Pomona Cool Riders), and I think a few Honolulu high school junior varsity teams. Who says Hawaii won't play anyone?

Georgia, on the other hand, has been a media darling ever since they ~~thoroughly psyched out Urban Meyer by not pissing themselves in his presence~~ beat Florida. And, really, I can't blame the media. That was awesome. It was like that scene in 300 when Leonidas pretends to bow to Xerxes, then that dude comes from out of nowhere, leaps off Leonidas's back, and skewers the crap out of Xerxes' PR guy. Shit, that was awesome!

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, Georgia. Yeah, they've looked really good the second half of the season, but they still played a I-AA team and got their asses handed to them by the waiting-to-lose-at-any-minute Vols and the now completely mediocre Gamecocks. They can no more expunge that from their record than can Oregon go back in time and create an adamantium ACL for Dennis Dixon... or at least not recruit the two worst backup QBs in the history of major-conference college football. Ever.

Anyway, there's still a lot of football left to be played. Who knows, SEC fans, there might be a scenario in which a Hawaii loss, coupled with a West Virginia loss, an Oklahoma win, and the instantaneous elimination of the football programs at Ohio State, Kansas, Virginia Tech, and USC, could lead to the SEC taking over the top of the rankings, as predicted in Revelations... somewhere in the second chapter, I think.

Being #2 Sucks

2007-11-25T00:24:00.000-06:00

For the 32nd consecutive week, the #2-ranked team in the country lost. This is getting more predictable than an episode of Law & Order: SVU, except that no one's getting sodomized. Well, if you don't count Florida International, that is.

You have to give Kansas credit. They played with way more heart than most of the previous #2 teams. You know, as opposed to teams like Cal, USF, and Boston College, who reacted to being #2 with the same level of excitement and aplomb as someone who's just been diagnosed with herpes.

And it's not like anyone really thought Kansas was actually the second best team in the country, anyway. Their lofty ranking was pretty much the result of West Coast bias against West Virginia and Virginia Tech, East Coast Bias against Oregon and Arizona State, and everyone outside of the state of Ohio's bias against watching the Buckeyes get eviscerated in the National Championship game two years in a row. I mean, yeah, the Jayhawks were 11–0, but they:

played only two teams with winning records,
played only three true road games all season,
and didn't play the three best teams in the Big 12 South.

So really, they were more like an 8–3 team who kept the college football storylines fresh well into late November, kind of like those people who fly under the radar on Survivor and look like they might actually win it all, only to get unanimously voted off the first time they fail to win the immunity idol.

On the bright side, Kansas, you're probably going to a sweet bowl game, you're going to demolish K-State in recruiting next year, and you get to sit back and laugh as Morgantown and every couch within its city limits burns when new #2 West Virginia manages to lose to Pitt next week, thus opening the... ah, jeez... thus opening the door for Ohio... ugh... Ohio State to arrrggghhh... I'm throwing up in my mouth a little right now... for Ohio State to play in the National Championship BLLLLLLAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Backing into the SEC Championship Game Sucks

2007-11-24T23:55:00.000-06:00

Look, Tennessee... the next time Kentucky gives you an opportunity to get out of a season-ending ass-kicking at the hands of a pissed off LSU team in the SEC Championship Game, YOU TAKE IT. I don't think these guys below can handle another 40-point loss to a far superior? SEC opponent.

Inevitability Sucks

2007-11-24T23:23:00.000-06:00

I'm not saying that you were bad, Bill, but when your boss gets fired for giving you a raise, and then they have to ~~exhume the corpse of~~ bring back the last coach who left Nebraska on his own terms to fire you... well, you're kinda bad.

That, and giving up roughly 1,000 points to USC, Kansas, and Colorado.

The Irony of Beating Your Archrival Two Years in a Row and Still Getting Canned Sucks

2007-11-23T18:57:00.000-06:00

Now if only you could have beaten Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas Tech, Miami, Cal, Nebraska, Oklahoma again, Texas Tech again, Oklahoma again, Texas Tech again, Iowa State, Colorado, Clemson, Tennessee, Oklahoma again, Baylor, Utah, Missouri again, Oklahoma again (and that was the bad one), Oklahoma State, Nebraska again, Texas Tech yet again, Pitt, and Virginia Tech...

Oh, and I haven't gotten my "insider" e-mail in about two months. What's up with that?

Eauxvertime Sucks

2007-11-23T18:47:00.000-06:00

Good news, Les. You can stop focusing on beating your next SEC patsy and start looking for homes in Ann Arbor.

What's that? Oh, you already did? Good for you.

And hey, it comes in Michigan blue!

Charlie Weis's Powers of Deduction Suck

2007-11-18T21:41:00.000-06:00

After the season, Charlie Weis is going to meet with his former coaching colleagues from the Patriots so they can give him an honest assessment of what he's doing wrong at Notre Dame.

Let me save you some time, Charlie. Ty Willingham recruited your best players. When Notre Dame fired him so that they could hire you, he ceased his recruiting activities for Notre Dame. And now you're f*cked. Happy Thanksgiving!

Rushing the Field Sucks

2007-11-17T23:21:00.000-06:00

You know how I know rushing the field sucks? This:

This is a clip of Cougars fans rushing the field after Houston won the C-USA Championship last year. Let me repeat that. This is a clip of Cougars fans rushing the field after Houston won the C-USA Championship last year.

Hey, drunk kids... next time you get the urge to rush the field after your mediocre team beats a ranked team, which now happens more regularly than my grandfather's daily morning shit, ask the person sitting next to you to kick you in the nuts so hard that the tip of their foot actually connects with your coccyx, and stay in your f*cking seat.

Backup QBs Suck

2007-11-17T21:15:00.000-06:00

I'm not familiar with the inner workings of recruiting in college football, but if it's anything like the game, the head coach and his staff visit potential recruits during the off-season. Since the coach can't be everywhere at once (well, except for Charlie Weis, because he's literally everywhere at once), he'll often send assistant coaches out on recruiting visits. It's reasonable to assume that head coaches visit their top picks, while assistants make some of the trips to visit guys who will end up being second- and third-stringers.

That's how I think it goes, anyway. But I'm pretty sure Bob Stoops and Mike Bellotti either sent summer interns to recruit their second-string QBs, or in the midst of arranging the depth chart for a roster of over 100 players, they simply resorted to going by alphabetical order.

I mean, I thought that teams in the Top 25, let alone the Top 5, had talent so deep that you could shoot your starting running back in front of the team in order to make an example, then promptly send the backup in without missing a beat, not unlike the faceless henchmen of a Bond villain... or a row of shark's teeth.

In a heartfelt homage to the team that royally screwed them last year (the first one), Oklahoma's Sam Bradford, like Oregon's Dennis Dixon Thursday night, got injured in the first quarter of tonight's game against Texas Tech, apparently suffering a skull-on-brain collision, or as smarty-pants doctors call it, a concussion. And just like Oregon backup Brady Leaf, Oklahoma's backup QB, Joey Halzle, proceeded to successfully pilot the Sooner Schooner to the bottom of Lake Suckville.

Here's a tip, coaches: you know how you have extra batteries lying around the house in case your TV remote goes dead, rendering you unable to quickly change the channel from some skin flick on Cinemax to some dreadfully boring interview on Charlie Rose when your wife walks into the room unexpectedly? Backup QBs are just like those extra batteries. Only they don't come in packs of eight and 16.

Update (11:16 pm): Halzle almost made me eat my hat by nearly engineering a comeback victory. It's a good thing he didn't, because the only other hat I have is a Toyota hat, and that's just lame.

Lloyd Carr Sucks

2007-11-17T17:54:00.000-06:00

Somewhere, John Cooper, clad only in a tattered flannel robe and pee-stained boxers, still wearing his worn-out COOP headset, probably unshaven, and almost certainly unshowered, is laughing so hard that he sharts himself.

So llong, Lloyd. Time to sell the house and move to Del Boca Vista, right next to Jerry's parents.

Hey, look - it comes in Michigan blue!

Duke Sucks

2007-11-17T17:18:00.000-06:00

Congratulations, Duke. You win.

No, you didn't win the game. But you win at life.

Dennis Dixon's Knee Sucks

2007-11-17T09:24:00.000-06:00

So it turns out Dennis Dixon knew his knee was as messed up as Nick Bollea's Supra when he took the field against Arizona on Thursday night.

While scrambling out of the pocket during a first-quarter drive, ~~Heisman front-runner~~ Dixon crumpled to the ground, having suffered a torn ACL. That sound you heard as Dixon hit the ground was Oregon's title-game chances reaching to change the light bulb at the top of the stairs, burning its hand, losing its balance, falling off the ladder, hitting its head on the banister, falling down eight stairs, accidentally kicking itself in the nutsack while cartwheeling down the remaining four stairs, then landing on the sharp edge of a lead-tainted toy from China.

Not to worry, Ducks fans. I hear El Paso is beautiful in late December. Just imagine all the fun you're going to have sitting out in the West Texas sun, watching Brady Leaf throw pick after pick, fumbling while scrambling out of the pocket, and holding onto the ball just long enough to take yet another sack. Screw those LSU and ~~Kansas~~ ~~Mizzou~~ Oklahoma fans, anyway. They probably won't even be able to enjoy the game because they'll be so hungover from tossing down Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's. Try enjoying a four-hour defense-fest after staying up until 4 a.m. watching depraved acts of chest-baring and girl-on-girl action in the French Quarter. Tell me that that's more fun than having a nice meal at the Mesa Street Bar & Grill following a soul-crushing, season-ending bowl loss by the Ducks. Yeah... that's what I thought.

Oh, and big ups to Erin Andrews for busting out the "pirate wench" outfit for Thursday night's game. Sorry... I meant Arrrrrrr-in Andrews.